Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Ducking Hell

Ducking Hell

 

Everyone's Favourite "No, Really, They Named A Hockey Franchise After An Emilio Estevez Movie... Man the '90s Were Craaazy" Team are the 'Hawks opponents tonight.. also marking the first time that two .800+ teams have met at this point of the season. Which is pretty impressive considering that, at times, I have difficulty in remembering who actually plays for the Ducks. I blame the time-difference, but outside of whichever forward is Getting Overpaid/Demanding a Trade/Incredibly Old at any given time, it's hard to keep them in mind. 

Therefore, I've decided, as an aide-memoire, to match current Anaheim players with Famous Ducks From Popular Culture. While avoiding any "Howard The Duck/Bust" jokes, which was pretty impressive, I think.

Corey Perry is The Ugly Duckling

Admit it: you were expecting a Scrooge McDuck/Swimming in Money joke here weren't you? Yeah, sure. Disney are probably going to sue me just for mentioning him. Anyway, what's the first word that pops into your head when you think about Perry? I mean aside from "Rich", "Loaded", "Jesus God, how much?" and "Headshot" of course. That's right, it's "Ugly".  And boy is Corey an argument for compulsory, tinted, full-face shields. Plus one for everyone in the crowd in case his falls off.
Anyway, like the Ugly Duckling of lore, Perry has grown up to be a Swan (ah, gwaaan).. which means he's a  vicious, cheap-shotting a-hole like this massive bird

Ryan Getzlaf is Some Duck Out Of That Shitty "Mighty Ducks" Cartoon

Ok, I'll take the Disney-Litigation Risk.. what the hell is it with Disney and giving complicated hairstyles to animals? Ducks have feathers, not hair, There is no way that any hair grows on their heads, definitely not enough for '90s-style "Crazy" hairdos. Seriously. Feathered Waterfowl=No Hair. NO HAIR!! Oh, shit, I got too caught up in this to make the obvious Getzlaf Joke..

Teemu Selanne is Count Duckula





 

One is a much loved animated character from many years ago and the other was voiced by Del Boy.  The parallels are obvious between Teemu and a Vampire: there's the incredible longevity, the questionable hairstyles and, of course, the tendency to show up unannounced in people's bedrooms at night 
However, Count Duckula is famously a vegetarian vampire and therein lies the greatest comparison, as Teemu, after countless years, also still refuses to suck.


Viktor Fasth isThat Duck Out Of Friends

Remember that hilarious bit where a duck and a chick became a thing in Friends back when people cared about Jennifer Aniston? Well,the 30-Year-Old-Rookie is that Duck.. he's popped up out of nowhere, given folk some laughs and is bound to continue on.. wait WTF DO YOU MEAN THEY DIED?
Plus, Selanne said "He reminds me of a young JS Giguere" which, alone, is funnier than the last three seasons of Friends combined

Brad Staubitz is Duckface

Picture the scene: your friends have all told you that "Itll make U look so hott" and "evRy1 will luv itt lol" so you get into the bathroom with your iPhone, loft it over your head and then realise that, instead of looking good, you actually look like the dumbest, trashiest fool in the entire idiotverse. And you're not even paying money to someone that the Habs once picked up off waivers from the Wild. 


Bobby Ryan is Daffy Duck 

Well, this one is easy. The perennially "Overlooked", permanently disgruntled member of the Elite.. Daffy always had to play third fiddle to a guy with big ears and a bald dude so no wonder Bobby has a shitty attitude... one pictures him, considering recent events,  stomping into Bob Murray's office and saying "You realize, of course, that this means war"


This Entire Anaheim Run is #15 1/2 Shredded Duck with Plum Sauce

 

As in, it started out kind of tasty and sweet  and a bit different but is rapidly getting boring and, shit, there's still loads of it left and I shouldn't have filled up on spring rolls.. maaan.. wish I'd ordered the Sha-Ark.





Wednesday, 13 March 2013

The Other Hockey Awards at Halfway

 The "Other" Awards in Hockey..


We've crossed the halfway point in this truncated Season, so it's time for the Wise & Powerful in the Hockey Blogging World  to start making predictions for the various End-of-Year Awards. Apparently Sid is a shoo-in for the Hart, Lady Byng and Calder (because he doesn't remember most of last year it counts as a Rookie season, right?).  Q is among the front-runners for the Jack Adams (thanks for encouraging him, jerkwads). However, there are many Hockey Awards and we have decided to have a look at how the less-well-known prizes are going to shake out, listing, in reverse order, the three main candidates for each.

The Gordie Howe Award for "Most Hockeyest Name In Hockey"


3) Niklas Hjalmarsson (CHI) An important aspect of an excellent "Name" in Hockey is that it will give announcers (and Don Cherry) fits trying to pronounce it. Hjammer is an excellent candidate for this award because no two announcers can deal with that Voiceless Glottal Fricative at the start of his name in the same way. In fact, Pat Foley can frequently pronounce it three different ways in a single shift.

2) Martin St Louis (TBL) The history of the NHL is littered with excellent French-Canadian names, sometimes also attached to excellent players: Denis Savard, Guy Lafleur, Maurice Richard and Jean-Francois Jomphe (we did say "sometimes") spring to mind. Marty makes it in here due to having both a Very French name and one that 98% of announcers will get wrong, which will drive Montreal's callers insane. And that's always fun.

1) Dougie Hamilton (BOS) I reckon that this Rookie is going to walk away with the award. Dougie Hamilton. Dougie. Hamilton. Apparently, when he was six years old, his teacher asked him "What do you want to be when you grow up?". Dougie answered "A Firefighter" and got made to write "I Will Play In The NHL and Like It" 1,000 times on the blackboard. Mentioning his name to Don Cherry requires wardrobe staff at TSN to rush out to the local clown school for new pants. He's 6'5" and has red hair. Of course he does. Clear winner.

The Reverse-Trotz Prize for "Coach With Most Neck"

 (Lost In Translation Editor's note: not sure if Norteamericanos say "You've gotta lot of neck".. over here it means the same as substituting the word"Noive" )


3) Peter Laviolette (PHI) Because, presumably, he's still coming in to work to make Flyers players do Defensive Drills, when he could have an equal effect by simply sitting at home in his underwear and chugging Jim Beam while watching NASCAR.. 

2) Alain Vigneault (VAN) Perennial winner of this award due to the fact that he appears (from his statements to the press) to have spent years coaching a team full of Lady-Byng-Winning Masters of sophisticated, sleek Hockey who have won the Ultimate Prize rather than a bunch of diving, biting, whining underachievers who have a couple of Presidents Trophies, THE GREATEST 4-3 (after being up 3-0) FIRST ROUND OF THEM ALL and Cam Barker. But he's going to lose out (again) to the clear leader:

1) Claude Julien (BOS) Diving is a Bad Thing. A Terrible Thing. But when you get hilariously called out by a freaking Canucks fan? Shoulda kept your mouth shut, Claude







The Ryan Reaves Least Valuable Player Award Dog Biscuit for "Player Most Like Ryan Reaves"

 (Reaves won this one so often that, much like QBert in the DMC, they had to make him a Judge)


3) Zenon Konopka (MIN) The signing of Konopka on 01/07 last year was greeted with a whole pile of glee by the Minnesota Wild fanbase. They figured what they were getting was a gritty 2-way Center with added grit and an ability to fight when needed. We can only assume that the heat of competition to land the most sought-after free-agency in the league (Jake Dowell) had blinded them to the fact that what they were, in fact, getting was a barely-competent penisloaf whose inability to skate is only matched by his inability to actually fight, rather than dancing endless waltzes with some maroon.

2) Dan "Gorilla Salad" Carcillo (CHI) To the rest of the Hockey World Gorilla Salad is 
a) A marginally useful 4th Liner
b) Capable of stirring shit
c) Not skating on their top line when Brandon Saad could be

Therein lies the problem, and the reason why Gorilla Salad makes it in here instead of St.Louis' Most Accomplished Son, Brandon Bollig.

1) Ryan Reaves (STL) Hey! Waitaminute! He's not allowed to vote for himself.. someone get hold of him, now.. what do you mean "There's no phone line to the dumpster behind the Purina Building that he lives in?"


The Dan Hamhuis "Got Dis" Chocolate Coin for "Don't Believe The Hype"


3) Minnesota Wild The Wild's considerable coup in snaring the two most-wanted FAs last off-season (by showing than an X-Cel Center full of money and encouraging them to have a swim)  had some in the Twin Cities fantasising about "Dynasties" "Cups" and "Making The Playoffs". Right now the Wild are firmly on the bubble and are having to look over their shoulder at onrushing juggernauts like Phoenix and the Beej (really). Of course, adding Zenon Konopka is always going to make any Hockey team "A-Bit-Like-The-Isles", Dany Heatley's productivity continues to wane as no one is waving fistfuls of dollars at him until next season and being a Team that Actually Misses Cal Clutterbuck may have something to do with it..

2) San Jose Sharks The Sharks went 7-0-0 to start the Season then, in less time than the breath their goddam fans leave in between "Sha" and "Arks" for no fucking reason, they went 0-4-3 and slid into the chasing pack in the West, scrambling behind the dominant Ducks and the resurgent Kings. This stunned the Hockey world at large as Thornton, Marleau, Pavelski and co.usually wait until the playoffs to collapse into mediocrity.

1) Chicago Blackhawks Despite going 21-0-3 to start the Season, the Hawks have now lost two games in regulation to two of the weaker te..e..ahh..rrrgh..hnnn (Hulk-like transformation into guy with neck-tattoo of Calvin pissing on a Wings logo)...DEY NEED TO MAKE CHANGE NOWZ DEY NEED TO TRADE DAT BUM KANE BECOS HE LAZY AN GET MILLAR AN OTT AN MEBBE DAT BRUGHHHYLFINEREN GUY BACKS MY FRENT I HANG UP AND LISSEN TO YOUR REPLY





Thursday, 24 January 2013

The Five Types Of Blackhawks Fan

 

Blackhawks Fans are drawn from every 
walk of life, from the lowliest janitor 
to the lowlier VP for Marketing. 
They come in every creed and colour,
every shape and size, united by a
passionate belief in their chosen team
and a fervent desire to spend  $9 on a 
beer at the UC.
Attempting to pigeonhole this great 
swathe of humanity would be futile and 
pointless but that hasn't stopped Brandon
Bollig from existing so we're going to give it a shot.

So, without further ado, here are the 
Five Types Of Blackhawks Fan
Any resemblance to you, your partner
or that loud a-hole three rows behind you is entirely  intentional    

 

 The Old-School

 

The Female

 The Bandwagon-Jumper

 

The Meathead

The Blogger



Tuesday, 22 January 2013


In A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Blackhawks Vs Scum Jr

 




 Is Planet Hitchcock Fully Operational?

 

Let's Go Hawks!